lately..

So needless to say, I’ve been.. adjusting to everything going on.

But while I finally have a moment to myself I thought I would center myself with some prayer and meditation before I, you know, speak at a retreat.

I’ve been experiencing the process of working through my emotions these past few weeks but the problem was that it was hitting me in waves.

In some way, I do wish that I experienced more consistency with my emotions. Just one steady stream? I’m not sure what I’m grasping for but I can definitely express the opposite of what has been true for me lately.

lately..

The complication of what I’m working through has centered around these two words: forgiveness and trust.

I’m beginning to see just how intertwined these two words have been and I didn’t know the depth of their interdependent – almost codependent – relationship to one another. Forgiveness has always been the complex emotion movement that I’ve grown used to. To forgive someone has to be something you are able to deal with head to head.

“I forgive you”

Those words need to be said. Only then can you properly contextualize what happened, how all of this possibly happened (and most importantly) how can we move forward.

I guess this is how I cope = I don’t like dwelling on the past.

Greatest life lesson I learned back when I was 11:

Life is: broken people hurting broken people.

There was really nothing more than that.

I always knew in the back of my mind that I learned everything I would need to know or learn – these lesson from my youth would only repeat in severity. As I grew, so would the complexity of life and the problems that came my way.

I was 11 when my friend was caught with a stray bullet. We never found the killer, we never got justice for losing a friend. His family never got justice for losing a son.

“broken people hurt broken people.”

It was really early for me. The gut check of reality teaching me that being hurt is simply a part of life

it’s not the falling down that counts – the secret is in getting back up

But this time around, things are different.

I can’t walk away.

Simply put:

I think I can forgive – but I don’t know if I can trust.

again – broken people always hurt broken people.

I’m not broken over what I’m dealing with – nobody died so I’m sure that I’ve been through worse – I’m simply sad.

because the condition for trust is so leveraged – for a while things will have to be based on external confirmations and affirmations – trust cannot be implicit anymore – we need to explicitly build trust moving forward because, “broken people hurt broken people”

Building trust, once shattered, is uncharted territory – what are my odds?

Any takers?

unprepared

I pray and pray

but I find myself so lacking

what will it take to sum up the courage again

to find myself in the King’s presence

what broke me years ago still haunts me to this day

I will stand firm

and push forward boldly

but boldness is not true courage

praying for true courage to confess amen tonight…

“Sweet Surrender: A Christmas Devotion” by Harold Kim

And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.

Luke 1:31-33

I have yet to meet parents who were not allowed to name their child.

SunHi named our first daughter; I named our second.

In this passage, Mother Mary was not allowed to name her own, for an angel of the Lord commanded her in verse 31, “you shall call his name Jesus.”

In the Bible, naming demonstrates authority, ownership, manageable control. This explains why Jesus was not named but given the name that means “God saves”.

From the moment of His conception to birth, Jesus has never been under our control.

During the Advent season, would you consider how you try to keep Jesus under control?

Is Jesus someone you only consult but who never has final decision-making power?

Is Jesus there only to bless you and bail you out of trouble?

Do you negotiate the terms and conditions of what Jesus can and cannot do with you?

If so, you are insisting on keeping control, not surrendering to His. But see how Mother Mary surrendered to Jesus even before His birth.

She surrendered to a pregnancy without knowing when and how it would take place.

She surrendered to inevitable suspicion, mistrust, and possible breakup with her betrothed.

In all, Mary surrendered to radical risk and uncertainty – the very opposite of control. And as she did so, Christmas arrived. Jesus, God’s own son, was born from her womb!

Surrender sounds nice, even sweet, in a Sarah McLachlan song. But real surrender to Jesus means losing control of your life.

So why would anyone do that?  Because nobody surrendered more for you.

Jesus surrendered His family and home, every power, privilege, and comfort to take our sins.

Jesus was miraculously born human – so we might be born again of God.

Are you tired and worn down this year? Fearful and fretful over the future?

Christmas – the birth (and life) of Jesus – happens in you, as you surrender to the “Son of the Most High…and He will reign forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

Under His reign, you’ll find “righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit”

Romans 14:17

today

I did not have a good day.

I barely made it home.

My breathing was labored and my head was hurting for all nine hours. I didn’t know how to process today.

I didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t have the courage to say hi.

I felt like such a loser.

I threw up last night.

I threw up in the morning

I threw up when I got home.

I did not have a good day – I hate that I’m like this sometimes.