So needless to say, I’ve been.. adjusting to everything going on.
But while I finally have a moment to myself I thought I would center myself with some prayer and meditation before I, you know, speak at a retreat.
I’ve been experiencing the process of working through my emotions these past few weeks but the problem was that it was hitting me in waves.
In some way, I do wish that I experienced more consistency with my emotions. Just one steady stream? I’m not sure what I’m grasping for but I can definitely express the opposite of what has been true for me lately.
The complication of what I’m working through has centered around these two words: forgiveness and trust.
I’m beginning to see just how intertwined these two words have been and I didn’t know the depth of their interdependent – almost codependent – relationship to one another. Forgiveness has always been the complex emotion movement that I’ve grown used to. To forgive someone has to be something you are able to deal with head to head.
“I forgive you”
Those words need to be said. Only then can you properly contextualize what happened, how all of this possibly happened (and most importantly) how can we move forward.
I guess this is how I cope = I don’t like dwelling on the past.
Greatest life lesson I learned back when I was 11:
Life is: broken people hurting broken people.
There was really nothing more than that.
I always knew in the back of my mind that I learned everything I would need to know or learn – these lesson from my youth would only repeat in severity. As I grew, so would the complexity of life and the problems that came my way.
I was 11 when my friend was caught with a stray bullet. We never found the killer, we never got justice for losing a friend. His family never got justice for losing a son.
“broken people hurt broken people.”
It was really early for me. The gut check of reality teaching me that being hurt is simply a part of life
it’s not the falling down that counts – the secret is in getting back up
But this time around, things are different.
I can’t walk away.
I think I can forgive – but I don’t know if I can trust.
again – broken people always hurt broken people.
I’m not broken over what I’m dealing with – nobody died so I’m sure that I’ve been through worse – I’m simply sad.
because the condition for trust is so leveraged – for a while things will have to be based on external confirmations and affirmations – trust cannot be implicit anymore – we need to explicitly build trust moving forward because, “broken people hurt broken people”
Building trust, once shattered, is uncharted territory – what are my odds?