calling

I think I’m spiraling

I think I’m having a crisis in identity.

Maybe even my calling.

Frankly, I sit here typing because I need words to express how I feel. I just don’t have it. I don’t have the mental reach.

At least not for now.

Increasingly and more frequently, I have been growing frustrated and angry with myself and with others.

I feel my temper flaring and my mood becomes aggressive at the drop of a dime.

I could eviscerate the next poor soul to trigger me because it feels like my anger is now out for blood.

And that’s why all the more I feel so conflicted about my calling.

More specifically, I’m growing tired of the expectations that come with my calling.

I HAVE to be nice.

I HAVE to be patient.

I HAVE to be understanding.

Why?

Even when it feels like I’m just encouraging and reinforcing terrible behavior?

I HAVE to?

Really?

For me, it comes down to a matter of what compels me.

My conditioned spiritual disposition lends itself to encourage me that love compels me to surrender everything for the sake of love. (Christianity 101: God is Love)

But lately, I don’t really feel compelled.

I feel selfish.

I feel tired.

I feel restless.

But I’ll keep trying.

That has to count for something..

..right?

cheers

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: