I think I’m spiraling
I think I’m having a crisis in identity.
Maybe even my calling.
Frankly, I sit here typing because I need words to express how I feel. I just don’t have it. I don’t have the mental reach.
At least not for now.
Increasingly and more frequently, I have been growing frustrated and angry with myself and with others.
I feel my temper flaring and my mood becomes aggressive at the drop of a dime.
I could eviscerate the next poor soul to trigger me because it feels like my anger is now out for blood.
And that’s why all the more I feel so conflicted about my calling.
More specifically, I’m growing tired of the expectations that come with my calling.
I HAVE to be nice.
I HAVE to be patient.
I HAVE to be understanding.
Even when it feels like I’m just encouraging and reinforcing terrible behavior?
I HAVE to?
For me, it comes down to a matter of what compels me.
My conditioned spiritual disposition lends itself to encourage me that love compels me to surrender everything for the sake of love. (Christianity 101: God is Love)
But lately, I don’t really feel compelled.
I feel selfish.
I feel tired.
I feel restless.
But I’ll keep trying.
That has to count for something..