There are clear moments that define our proverbial crutch
Crutch (as defined my Merriam-Webster)
a: a support typically fitting under the armpit for use by the disabled in walking
b: a source or means of support or assistance that is relied on heavily or excessively
So here’s the thing..
How is something that’s supposed to be a temporary measure become a lifelong part of our walk?
Continuing thought – if we’re on crutches, if we’re still using a crutch, are we truly walking?
Is there ever hope of true recovery?
Walking is an endeavor that requires repetition and patience. You have to give it time to make the most of the effort and the energy that you’re investing. Now am I really talking about the physical act of walking or am I talking about figuratively?
I’m not sure if it’s fair to speak in terms of what should or should not be it’s unfortunate that through the course of an average human life, our individuality is shaped by these crutches.
A figurative (yes I was speaking figuratively) crutch is technically a personal coping mechanism.
We form and develop these crutches to help us face life.
And when the moment has passed and we are faced with the decision to let go of our crutch – more often than not – we choose not to let go of these crutches.
But I miss walking normally. It might be a pipe dream but I actually yearn to walk through life crutch free.
Is this reasonable? Is this something that I can reasonable seek to do? To walk through life without my crutch?
I hate feeling useless. Function is king. And often I find myself without function.
I think my crutch is no different than what others go through at regular intervals. We’re all creatures of habit learning to cope through one stressful moment to another. Maybe it’s true what people say about clowns like me. I am an Enneagram 3 – that means I am fucking terrible at resting. Taking the time to rest, doest give me rest. Is this really messed up?
For me, rest is merely respite that preps me for the next job, the next challenge, and the next obstacle. It gives me so much stress because I can’t seem let go of this need to be useful. And it’s crazy because my crutch manifests in so many different ways.
When I publicly declare that I want to do something, but I end up failing.
When I’m proven wrong or someone shows me up in a group discussion.
It feels like, sometimes my need to be in control grows out of really hidden places in my heart and I end never being satisfied with how things turn out.
My thoughts are muddled so I’ll stop it here for today but I’m left wondering with another thought: does healthy walking even exist?