To what ends will righting the ship accomplish for the fortune of my future? Was is not the same prayers that led me on this path that move me forward into more uncertainty and uncharted waters? Is it not my desire to move things along that brought me here? Is it not my compass that’s been broken all along?
The determination of true north has always been my struggle. The mental hurdles and struggles of determining the validity and the objectivity of discovering my true north and my guiding star has keep the doubt in my heart at bay but always lurking about. My surrender is not yet complete. My pride wins out – it’s the only mode of being that I can reckon and attempt to reconcile. I want agency – boundaries always have me running in the opposite direction.
My brokenness. It cripples me. It stops me cold.
What prayer cannot express, worship alleviates the frustration, but ultimately I’m left with a deeper dissatisfaction that my heart has not been fully understood. I am seen and heard by my creator; I am blindly unhappy and left to my own devices.
The thing about “truth” is, as I reckon thus far, it might possibly be wisdom and experience being expressed at the worst possible time. The value of timing couldn’t be emphasized more at this time – the hindsight lesson screams loudly into the wind for this is a fruitless mission – we often realize – pause – I OFTEN realize too late that timing is everything.
But so should it be that I find myself in this situation at my own choosing – I choose to embrace what others have told me to discard. Because I still hold true to my prayers and the answers that came after such time of reflection and meditation. I need to see this to the end.
And so I wait and pray.
one endless moment at a time.