where I land

Even now, I don’t know where I am. And as the title appropriately communicates – I just don’t know where I land with everything.

I’m hurt. If you haven’t noticed by now. My emotional drippings of a teenage-JD being revisited has been a nostalgic callback to days of angst and anxiety. Frankly it’s really gross.

But even through four line posts and quoting song lyrics about encouraging worship songs, nothing has been more powerful than my prayers and mediation these past few days.

A turbulent heart does not have a fighting chance against prayer.

And when I pray, my emotions don’t go away but I get filled with a sense of hope and purpose. Even in the storm, the Lord is in control. Even in my despair, the Lord is in control.

Of course how I feel does not abate.

Hope does not heal bleeding

But hope does provide clarity that even with all the bleeding, everything will be okay.

And ironically, this clarity got me stuck.

My sinful and human heart is trying to convince me that I need visible and tangible assurances that everything will be okay. I want explicit proof that I can interrogate to make sure that everything will be fine. A mirror ball that can look into the future. At this confused and inane state of mind and being, I’ll take tarot cards if it’ll help.

But really.

Where I land is so conflicting and so fucking messy because I haven’t revisited this much conflict in a while.

I have lived my life the past few years to set everything up so that I can avoid such mess. A clean transition from one stage of life to another. Sweet, short and simple – to the point and avoiding clusterfucks as much as humanly possible.

And yet here I am.

I do not know where I land but still I want the conversation.

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