so this week was a ride
ended my week with house church
Thank God for house church, it’s really helping me to gear up for the weekend.
Long story short: this was such a rough week. And instead of walking through this week with wisdom, I really tried to power through it. I was caught in all of my indulgences and I really did whatever I wanted to do. It was a sneaky power trip and it all came to a head today.
I was paralyzed.
If I work my way backward: my sense of entitlement, that was infecting my prayer and meditation, was being fueled by my pride – and my pride being fueled by greed.
I’m pursuing out of greed
Because I think these things belong to me
.but it doesn’t
I just have to obey. God will do the rest.
.because God knows
I was getting so full of myself and frankly so full of shit. Its all fluff – it’s all superfluous. My attention to detail is my skill, not my right to exercise or flex in front of others. One tiny detail changed in my equation and suddenly I was acting like a different person. My interactions were arrogant, my analysis and reactions were extra and over the top. I was doing my best to make a point and not a difference. I wanted to achieve something so badly that I forgot it doesn’t belong to me. I’m so full of it that even my eyes lost sight of what my heart identified immediately. When I stand before God in prayer and worship, I am truly nothing. And that’s why His love fulfills me. He fills what I lack.
I’ve been feeling pressure about my future lately. The elephant in the room is that, as they say: I am single af. Yes. If you’re wondering, it was by choice. Embracing the single-life afforded me the luxury of time to do what I needed to do, as well as (out of greed) everything I wanted to do. Exiting out of my first ministry season, the primary question on the minds (and lips) of everyone around who loved me was:
Jongdae. When are you gonna get married?
Now keep in mind. Answering this is tricky. If you’re an older Korean person, I would have answered with a humble awe-shucks answer and make a joke and move on. If you were a fellow EM member then I would first say that I’m praying about it then quickly pivot away from the topic to something else more interesting. To all my friends who know me, I would always answer: WHO THE F KNOWS.
But the common denominator in all of this was that this question made me so genuinely uncomfortable because I would always lie to people and tell them that I didn’t think about it for the longest time so I don’t know.
But truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about this question and I feel so uncomfortable when it comes to this question because I think about it all the time.
paralysis by over-analysis
And I am so guilty of it
This is how twisted I’ve become in this past month. Because my periphery is picking up on the increased (frankly nonsense) chatter about pastor Jong Dae or 종대목사님 being sooo ready for marriage, I thought that embracing single life for such a long time gave me the permission to be entitled to be married soon.
I thought I paid the price and did my time. All of my analysis and deep reflections didn’t amount to much.
Because I listened to the voices around me, I let my emotions lead me to forget that I still have a long way to go and I still have to hustle to earn my keep.
My vanity cost me this round. This lesson and this week is still a tough pill to swallow but facts first: I lost. I failed. My vices were at full power over me and it ultimately it was not productive.
I’m gearing up for another crazy weekend. I need to be ready.
And I can’t let my emotions play me.
I have to obey as best I can then let go so that I can witness God at work. This has to be my testimony. This has to be my prayer.
That’s why this song hits me so on this late Thursday eventing:
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior, am happy and blessed
Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love
this is my story; this is my song