What a terrible blog title. I love and hate that without a thumbnail preview like Youtube, I can’t really clickbait people into reading this.

let em explain the first screen grab and explain how I got here.

Day 4 here in Seattle and I decided weeks ago to dedicate a full day to a national park by myself. It was fun, it was interesting and it was a bummer because every other time I’ve been to a national park I’ve had the privilege to share it with someone.

But then I thought about it – it really was the first time I was all by myself in a national park.

So I got up at 6am and made the 3 hour trek to Lake Mowich and when I got there I had a decision to make. Am I going to do this 6 mile hike or am I going to just take nice pictures of the lake and make my way to Sunrise Point which was at the other side of Mt. Rainier?

fatal error: “ehh, I’m here – might as well” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So this trek was a 6-mile roundtrip 1,300ft ascension that was really easy the first two miles because there was nothing to hike. The scenery was nice but nothing spectacular.

Then I get to the last mile.

Have you ever had that moment where you begin to regret every decision you’ve ever made in your life? Well..

So jump back to the first picture on this post and this is where I had to stop because.. you know.. oxygen.

I sit on the biggest rock I can find and I start sucking air like I just ran two-a-day back at JPS in the middle of August (high school summer football practice). I’ve never hated myself more. I should’ve just stayed in Seattle and parked my ass at another cafe and drink some more coffee.

But there I was 3/4 of the way done with a hike I was regretting.

Then in the middle of catching my breath I actually found myself praying through conversation. And it wasn’t this holy moment of reflection but it was just the fact that I was tired, there was no one to talk to and I thought I should try praying out loud. Because you know.. who’ll be there to see me talk to myself.. right? What you guys? My 5 followers? 😉

So anyways, I start a breathing exercise that I learned a while back and as I was catching my breath, I started to open up. But I can’t describe how it went down – all I know was that my words, almost like mid-conversation, were flowing out and right then and there: I shared everything

How I felt about everything. How I felt about everyone. How I felt about my future.

And as I opened up more and more – this thought pressed me.

This year was the absolute f worst.

Emotionally and spiritually, I cratered. And no one knew.

And deep down inside: I wanted it that way.

twisted

Jeremiah 29:11 – read it when you get a chance. I memorized for something back then but there was it. Towards me – God offers thoughts of peace.

That’s all He wanted for me. And I didn’t want any part in that.

pathetic

And then I finally brought it up with the Lord.

Everything I wanted. Everyone I wanted to be with and be near.

In all my years as a christian, I never asked like this. And I did.

So what happened to the hike?

So I finished the hike. and yeah, it was another bummer.

Rainier was covered in clouds so I prayed – and the clouds got thicker 😩

so I started to read a bit and just when the sunlight was getting too bright to read my kindle, I let 3 minutes pass before I quickly realized too sunny means no clouds and I looked up:

guys, it was so quiet and all I heard was the wind and my heavy breathing.

But a funny feeling crept over me.

The view was nice and this picture came out okay but something didn’t sit right with me so I immediately started to make the trek back down the trail and found the rock that I was sitting on when I poured out my heart to God.

Seriously, after some of the things I said, this rock and I probably have to get married 😏

So I sat right back down and took a picture without thinking:

Processed with VSCO with ke1 preset

..right? (thank you VSCO, sponsor me pls)

Too many times, our moments of peace need to happen before we get to where we want to go.

The conversation matters more than the end of that road trip.

Way too often, I’ve found myself driving without direction because doing something feels better than not doing anything. Inaction always felt wrong – but even that notion was punishingly misguided.

God’s thoughts and heart towards us is peace.

I needed the patience to breathe and see – and also whip out my camera for the shot.

For the first time in a really long time, my life slowed down. Like, a lot.

And at first, it was painful and foreign. I was filled with new fears and new concerns, but what I missed in that process was that my older fears and concerns from when I was busier were starting to fade.

The transition is actually happening.

It took me four days out in the Pacific Northwest to finally catch my breath.

I finally caught my breath..

so what now?

cheers

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