a lot can change in one week
Every moment that I’m idle, I would find myself – almost catching myself – drifting off into a daydream. I find myself imagining scenarios and situations.
This is how I would react.
This is what I would say.
This is what I would do.
I have it down to each exact torturing detail.
I have a propensity, like most guys, to overthink and get ahead of myself. This is something that I haven’t felt in such a long time and I used to like being this way. To be interested and curious, to get closer and to even revolve my entire schedule around this interest. In ways that actually make me genuinely uncomfortable now, I’ve gotten really good at this. And that’s the crux of the matter, that’s the part that bothers me and that’s the part that holds me back. It causes me so much pause here in this moment.
I’m really good at this..
… I’m not good at what comes next
I had such an enriching conversation with someone who is slowly becoming a pleasantly surprising hang. A fellow old soul with immature tendencies trying to get his life in order. That’s my kind of guy. Because we might be idiots (we are, bro) but at least we’re trying. And ain’t NOT nothing.
In the middle spilling our hearts over a decent Indian buffet spread he poses the question: “what do you have to lose?”
My natural inclination is to answer: nothing
But that’s not what it feels like.
After that conversation I was driving home to catch a nap and get yelled at by my mom. And right at my exit, I’m waiting on an excruciatingly long red light when this little nugget crept up my spine and latched on to my hopelessly tired brain like a parasite:
what is the value of my overthinking? honestly. what has it gotten me? where has it brought me?
I’m in my season of transition.
and ngl: it’s pretty impossible
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and this is pretty much where I land:
For the past eight years I’ve made my life about one thing: to be the absolute best at my position/role. And to get there I made a determination that no matter what, I will be hardest working person in any room I enter. I’ve been there and I’ve seen it happen. Complacency is so toxic and contagious so I promised myself that I will be all about the grind. Life, like ministry, is a war of attrition. It’s not about, nor will it ever be about what I accomplish; life, like ministry, is all about silently suffering to survive the long hours to put out quality work. I’ll never demand it from my team but I will lead by example to show (not preach) the benefits of working my tail off.
And just like that: one tear-filled night of lament and prayer turned into eight years.
I’ve known nothing but work.
And I wanted it that way.
I designed my life to be about the grind.
And to hold onto this dream, I let everything else go.
A dream worth fighting for requires both hands to hold on for dear life.
I wouldn’t trade these years away for anything else in the world.
God taught me to love fearlessly because even if I were to fall, the lowest that I could hit would be all the way down to the rock of my salvation.
No BS – this is my testimony
from the heights of ministry to the lows of my indiscretions: rock bottom wasn’t that bad – I just had to get through it
so there it is
what a difference one week can make